


Make It Stop

by reaperlove



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Borderline Personality Disorder, Dean is Trying, Dean-Centric, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt Dean Winchester, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Worth Issues, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-08
Updated: 2016-10-08
Packaged: 2018-08-20 05:33:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8237836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reaperlove/pseuds/reaperlove
Summary: Dean wished he wouldn't be this way, so broken, a burden. He wished it wouldn't be this freaking hard. He wished it would stop, just for a second.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very personal experience with bpd, I can in no way speak for others with a similar diagnosis. It just felt good to write it down and get it out of my head.
> 
> Please read the tags **TRIGGER WARNING** for suicidal thoughts and implied past self harm.  
>  You could say that Dean is at the very beginning of his dbt here and doesn't already have a solid set of skills.

It wasn’t like they’ve never had this conversation before, Dean didn’t really know why it hit him so hard this time. When he had left the house that day he knew that his father would freak if he saw the total chaos that was his room. He had started to clean on the weekend but then he felt too exhausted to continue and he couldn't bring himself to care enough, if he was completely honest. It would do nothing to fill that hollow, empty feeling that seemed to take over his entire being.

He didn’t want to be that way.  
It was too much, the voices in his head all screaming at once, one unstoppable carousel of half formed thoughts.

“You’re a fat, ugly, failure, more than a burden or an inconvenience, you cause pain, your mom is sick because of you, it’s your fault, you should’ve ended it years ago but you screwed up even that, you selfish fuck..”

He tried so hard to stop them, like they’ve practiced in therapy, but he was so sure that this time, the voices were right. He knew his family would be upset when he’s gone, more than likely embarrassed to have such a weak son, but they would get over that. It would be better than hurting them over and over again.They’d look back and know that it had been better that way for everybody.

Desperately seeking for something, anything to make him feel at all, he put a pillow to his face and screamed his throat raw .He clawed at his face, leaving behind long, angry looking scratch marks. Nothing helped, the pressure in his skull was building, he hated that he couldn't stop the tears from flowing, their salt stinging in the fresh wounds on his face. He wanted to smash the cup over his head, run through a window, the flowing blood would surely help to release some pressure, stop him feeling like the boundaries of his body didn’t exist anymore, like he was slipping out of his skin, dissolving. 

He tried to text Cas, but the words just wouldn’t come. What could he possibly tell him? He couldn’t complain about his dad, because he’d been fucking right. He couldn’t tell Cas how much he wished to die, put another burden on the man he loved. Cas had to put up with enough of Dean’s shit as it is and Dean hated himself for that.

Dean wrapped his arms around himself and rocked back and forth, desperately trying to find some comfort.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, God please, make it stop, please, please take me, oh God please, please”.

He murmured this to himself, like a mantra, trying to find enough strength to do something and to not do anything more stupid. He tried to imagine how it would feel to cut into his skin, feel the pressure seeping out a fresh wound, the soothing flow of warm blood dripping down his arms. Visible scars for a hurt nobody could see. He had promised not to, he knew it was a fucked up coping mechanism, but it worked, for a little time it made things better, the voices would shut up. And that was all he wanted, all he cared about, unable to think about the consequences.

He pulled the razor blade out from under the computer keyboard on his desk, where he hid it so his mom wouldn’t freak and he wouldn’t have to search for it in a case of emergency, like this one. His hands shook with the effort not to use it and took all that was left in him to think of Cas’s smiling face, how it would turn into disappointment and pity if he slipped up again, and he put it back into its place.

“Please make it stop” and “just get yourself together, asshole, you can control it, you only don’t want to, not enough, fat ass” were bouncing around in his head. With shaking hands, he put his earphones in and tried to drown the noises in an audiobook. This finally seemed to work. Dean let himself sink into the soft mattress of his bed, curled up his body as tight as he could and fell asleep completely covered by his thick blanket.

 

He woke up, disoriented, not knowing how long he’d slept. It had started to get dark outside and panic crept into his bones.

“It’s okay, Dean, you’re safe, I’m here, I’ve been watching over you while you got some rest.”

“Cas,” Dean let relief wash over him at the familiar sight of deep blue eyes, “what are you doing here?”

Cas stood up from the chair he must have dragged to Dean’s bed in order to be closer to his boyfriend and reached out a hand. “Is it okay if I touch you?”

Dean didn’t have to think for a second “Yes please. And could you, uhm, could you maybe hug me?”

“Gladly. Scoot over.” Cas got under the covers and wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist, holding him tightly until he could feel Dean relax into the embrace.

“You didn’t call and you didn’t answer your phone,” Cas kissed Dean’s temple, “so I thought I’d drop by, see if you need something.” 

“You, need you right now. Is that , is that okay?” Dean was somehow always afraid Cas would say no, leave his needy ass, but Cas just rolled over on his back and draped Dean over his warm body, so his head rested on Cas’s chest and he could hear the steady drum of his heart.

“I didn’t do it, you know, but it was hard, god, it shouldn’t be so hard,” Dean sighed and concentrated on the warmth filling his skin, grounding him. 

“I know babe, but you’ll get there,” and after a brief pause Cas added, ”We will get there, no matter what.”  
“Thank you,” Dean breathed sleepily. He couldn’t really allow himself to believe it, but he knew Cas did, and that was enough for now. He closed his eyes and finally fell into a steady sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> I've never before so anxiously awaited feedback to a story, so please leave a comment :)
> 
> You can always talk to me on [tumblr](http://reaperlove77.tumblr.com).


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